Leaving Las Defcon

You know, every time I travel I’m a little more amazed at the ignorance and malaise exhibited by the TSA than the time before not to mention fellow travelers. This time flying out of Las Vegas after Defcon I encountered a disproportionate amount of douchebaggery. Here is a summary of the run through at LAS.

I presented the first TSA staffer with my boarding pass and passport and said “good morning” with a smile. He responded pleasantly and then I stepped forward. The lady behind my was promptly informed that she would have to dispose of her bottle of water (I won’t rant here about the instability of liquid explosives at this point).

Now, where was I? Oh yes, the water.

OK, so, being a conscientious person I turned back the TSA staff and said, “do I need to get rid of my coffee?” Not wanting to as it was a great cup of joe from Payard in Caesars. He shrugged and said, “I don’t know”.

OK, wait a tick. I can pass through TSA with a large cup of coffee and the lady with the bottle of water gets flagged? Time for mandatory drug testing of TSA staffers I think.

This is where it becomes amusing. The TSA staffer turns to a colleague to ask about the coffee. Now, I will never fault someone for asking if they don’t know the answer. The part that got me was that his co-worker glared at me and said in a rather loud commanding voice “SIR PLEASE THROW OUT THE COFFEE OR WE WILL HAVE TO REMOVE YOU FROM THE LINE”. I found this funny coming from a former member of the lollipop guild. Diluted intimidation. She started to turn red in the face. I made a flourish as I disposed of the coffee in as theatrical manner as I could manage without going over the top. The first TSA staffer then said, “but, he asked nicely”.

Pleasant little micro-fascist.

Then I turned to begin the de-humanizing process of preparing for TSA screening. Belt, laptop, shoes, iphone et cetera into the bins.

Then came the hit on the shoulder.

WTF?

Two flight attendants for Mexicana air physically pushed me aside and places their purses and bags on the belt. “Hey, wow, that was kinda rude wouldn’t you say?” I said in a loud voice. They ignored me. A traveler behind me in the line said, “what a bitch” and still no reaction. I went through the metal detector and turned to face a very unpleasant TSA screener.

“Whose bag is this?” She boomed. I looked to see the Mexicana logo. “Them” I motioned to the personality twins. “I have to examine that bag”.

Ah, sweet justice. At this point the screener turns to a co-worker and barks about how much of a living hell her day is. As she does this the Mexicana flight attendant that bumped me reached into the scanner and pulled here bag out. And with that, the personality twins walked away. I tried to draw the TSA employee’s attention to the exiting pair and was addressed thus “Sir, sir. I’m very busy sir. Do not address me unless I speak to you.”

Piss on this. She then lectures me about not putting my shoes into a plastic bin for screening. “It looks like they’re in a bag when you do that sir.

After a protracted chat on the evil and hardship I had caused her I knelt to put on my shoes. I noticed a cart approaching me. It was heading for my bags. Another TSA employee then rams his cart into my bags. Not once. But, three times. “What are you doing” I exclaimed. “I have to put my cart there.”

No shit, I gathered that genius. The mouth breather then realized that I was less than amused and retreated until I cleared the area. Heaven forbid these folks treat travelers as humans. I always go out of my way to try and be pleasant to TSA and they never fail to fail.